I posted a story on Instagram during Chiberia 2019. It was a picture of my youngest and I laying in bed, his head on my stomach and me stretched out in my favorite yoga pants. Then the DMs lit up with compliments from my girlfriends.
I laughed. I've never been thick despite wanting to be. I struggled with my body my entire life. I was made fun of growing up by “well-meaning” family members, called anorexic in 8th grade health class and despite my tears, the teacher just laughed. Side note to say, Mr. O'Shea shouldn't be teaching kids because he really isn't shit and being in your 20s at the time doesn't excuse your toxic male behavior. Anyway, back to the point. Even when I was married, my ex once made a comment about not minding me getting thicker. Then I had kids. After my first, I was told I had an ass the defied gravity during a work event, I would have been offended had I not worked hard for that ass. I lost way too much after my second, and I stayed slim thick after my third. I was happy but my mother who always gave me tips on how to have a better body, was now telling me how to make sure I don't gain anymore and my now ex mother in law suggesting I get liposuction. I was a size 6 then. But in the aftermath of my still pending divorce, my ex's betrayal and his verbal and emotional abuse reaching an all time high, my anxiety wouldn't allow me to eat and if I did, my body rejected it. My male, and very straight hairstylist, commenting during my visits asking me what happened, I use to be “bad”. My weight reaching a low point of 107lbs. I'm 5'8”.
Now, let me say, I have always loved food but I also have an abnormally fast metabolism that unless I ate more than my recommended calorie count, I could lose weight and easily. Most would stop me and say “poor you and your poor problems” but I was thin, not healthy and not mentally in the perception of my body. I allowed the people in my life, the most vocal being overweight and constantly on a diet, to tell me that my body was not right. They projected their own insecurities on me until it made me sick, literally. I'd love to say that they have changed their ways but the truth is, I've changed mine. How? My daughter. She's been making comments about her body, calling herself the ugliest of names, names I've heard before. They are the names her father called himself. I cannot say if he has stopped, we rarely speak but I've heard him 'jokingly' refer to himself as a porker while dropping off the kids once and I admit, I laughed. But I shouldn't have. I know that hurts him and I'm not in the business of being vindictive. I know that my laughter could also hurt my child the way the laughter of others had once hurt me.
These days, I am kinder to my body. I work out more for mental health than 'gains' and on the days when I am not so hungry and stress makes me ill, I drink shakes to maintain. I talk positively about my body and hers. I talk about nutrition in terms of energy and overall wellness so that my daughter can start having the same thought process. I've gained back all of the weight I lost and then some. My hips are a bit wider and my waist still slim. I'm still thin at only 130 lbs but that is no longer an issue, at least not for me anymore. I am happy to say that all of that has given me the body I have always wanted, the one I have always had.