New Year, Still Me
It has been a while since I wrote anything. I’m not going to go on and apologize. Truth is, I’ve been very much into disconnecting, giving more value to my privacy, and trying to find a semblance of balance.
Some days I feel like I’ve mastered it, like today and other days I give in to exhaustion and let the world crumble around me while I drown in coffee and Spanish rock music. I will not lie, the crumbling feels so much like a break that I often question why I do not give in to it more. Then the kids wake up, make messes the size of Denali that flares my anxiety and just like that, God has answered me. Also, how are they able to do so? Right before we moved into our new place, a lot of the toys were shipped to The Island of Misfit Toys and not one child asked where they went. Sidebar, family members who gifted my children toys, especially really large ones that take up space, please note that I fight. Normally, that threat goes to my brother and SIL but they kept it chill this year and I am grateful to not have to fight them.
Sits and waits for the judgment to fall on me about how I sucked the joy out of the holidays.
Yo, my kids enjoy their toys for a good 5 minutes before moving onto the next thing. And when I am home, they don’t want toys. They want to climb on me, wrestle me, play hide and go seek, tell stories, dance around to the music (I disguise chores as dance parties) so bah humbug someone else. So yes, even I kept the gifts amount low this year, choosing quality over quantity, and keeping things from eventually finding their way into a landfill, a ‘resolution’ I’ve been working on.
But now that the craziness and stress of the holidays are over, I sit and wonder, what’s next in terms of resolutions? Nothing. During a time that is filled with these so-called resolutions and empty promises that fade away by February and are completely forgotten by March, I decided nothing is next. In 2019, I had goals that I let fall to the wayside, focusing what was left of my energy on things that no longer filled me with hope, things that no longer restored my faith, and things I tried so desperately to restore. I was fighting a war that wasn’t mine and by the time I had stepped back to realize that, I noticed my own world was starting to crumble. I can no longer help those that won’t help themselves and I can no longer pour love into things that do not serve me. I have to start to meet people where they are not where I hope they would be. But that is a skill I haven’t come close to mastering. Always wanting to help has been one of my greatest qualities and now, my biggest downfall. When you are surrounded by takers, especially those that do not see themselves as such, it is easy to be taken advantage of. So now I do nothing. That doesn’t mean I love any less, I just love from a distance. So today I am doing five things that I must just for me with no one else in mind because the love needs to be poured here.
Today, I finish the book I started and NEVER finished. I did not read a single book in 2019. That is some epic bullshit because I use to crush books like it was candy.
Today, I write, even if I don’t publish it (but here we are hitting publish) because I stopped blogging and connecting and I miss the magic of words and how healing they can be.
Today, I order the coffee table I’ve been wanting for almost four years and never bought because I didn’t know where I’d be next. Fuck thinking of what could be instead of enjoying me and what I want.
Today, I work out harder because I have been doing it ever so slightly but when I go hard I feel like an adorable badass who can handle anything. And aside from this little to-do list, I actually do have a huge to-do list to tackle throughout the year so the badassery is very much needed.
Today, I am going to schedule more events for my business. Unfortunately, I set it aside until the end of the year last year for a multitude of reasons. None of those reasons seem valid enough anymore to stay on my bullshit.
So with that said, I have shit to do…let’s have an awesome start to a new decade.
